Since Charlotte passed, I have hoped and prayed for a dream with her in it. There was no smile, words, or laughter. I almost feel as if it is a reminder, from God, of how much better off she is in Heaven.
Charlotte loved to celebrate ALL holidays! Any reason to smile, party, and be happy. Many were spent in the hospital, but still with a smile. A reminder to myself, that no matter the situation, find the joy in it and smile.
Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Years were a few I have been dreading, because she loved them. I couldn’t fathom celebrating without her.
For Thanksgiving, we did something COMPLETELY different. Zero traditions for our family were involved. We had a wonderful time. Charlotte was thought of daily and missed dearly.
For Christmas my parents took us on a Christmas cruise. It was so much fun!! We were able to see multiple beaches and enjoy the views, and FOOD! Haha. Christmas morning was unlike any other. And although it was so different I couldn’t help but wish Charlotte was there.
Last year, for New Years, we celebrated at one of her favorite places, the beach! This year, we are at Disney World. Charlotte wanted so badly to go to Disney World. It was her Make a Wish trip that we never got to take. I promised her over and over that we would go but I always had an excuse to postpone it. Oh how I wish I hadn’t. I wanted start the New Year here, with her sisters, to see the the joy on their face as I knew Charlotte would have loved it here. Yesterday we watched a Frozen sing along and I couldn’t help but have flashbacks of my sweet girl at age 3 singing each song. So many things I see that make me think Of how much she would have enjoyed it.
I know it’s okay to cry and I do it often. I prefer to cry alone. The girls sometime see me cry and Eleanor knows why. She tells me, “I miss Charlotte too mommy” she recently told me “I wish Charlotte was here so she could see how good I’m doing in school.” Eleanor has started putting words together and reading beginner books.
Saturday night, my mom, sisters, and I looked at family pictures we took on the cruise. We had some beautiful pictures taken but they were not complete. Charlotte was missing and it was gut wrenching. I fought back the tears each time the photographer played the slideshow.
199 days had gone by.
Without many details of my dream, that night, I was able to hold Charlotte on my chest. It started as my 6 year old and before I woke she was a newborn. I woke out of breath, with a tight chest, and hated myself for waking. It felt so real. I balled, as my family slept I couldn’t stop the tears.
My sweet baby girl is so much better now, I know this. I know I will hold her again, one day.
We will make the most of 2019 and look forward to the adventure ahead but will ALWAYS miss that sweet smile.
Many prayers to each of you. For a new year full of Grace, gratitude, joy, and preserverance.
Smile and LOVE like Charlotte did. Make the best of each situation even when you don’t feel like it.
“A man’s heart plans his way, But the LORD directs his steps.”
Proverbs 16:9 NKJV
Deidre’ Harry says
Blessings in the new year! We continue to pray for you and your family! Love and hugs from Giddings!!! ❤️
Veronica Russell says
Oh mama, thank you for sharing. I love hearing your heart and memories of Charlotte ❤️ Prayers for a wonderful 2019 for your sweet family. “Smile and LOVE like Charlotte did, even when I dont feel like it” will be my mantra in this New Year. Blessings York family 😘
Oh I can not even imagine but God is good and will be with you each step of this road I pray for your family daily. Love and hugs
Tami Peter says
Thank you for sharing, I am praying for all of your broken hearts as they are trying to heal. The reminder that our loved ones are free from pain and whole in Gods arms keeps us going forward…
Thank you for sharing. My heart aches and thinks of you often. 💕
Blessings always for you and your family. May 2019 bring you nothing but joy & happines. 😘❤️🙏
Dee Mason says
Praying for you all to have a blessed New Year.
You’re truly blessed to have had sweet Charlotte but blessed also with 2 beautiful sisters that she loved. I think we loose loved ones to be able to look forward to seeing them again.
But life is truly a gift and God has given us each day and each person to share it with.
May God reign His blessings and peace on each of you all this New Year.
In His sweet precious love
Susie Dowding says
Tears and love.
Kathy and Jack Charlton says
Thank you for sharing. We continue to pray for comfort and that god holds you all tightly in his arms.
Nancie Carmichael says
So beautiful. Real and heart-wrenching. Many prayers and virtual hugs as you navigate the enormous loss of your Charlotte. You and (& Charlotte!) your family inspire so many. God bless you.
Glenda Cloud says
Just want you to know that we still think about and pray for you. Blessings on you in 2019. May continue to be with you and direct your path.
Sending you so much love and hugs. Hoping 2019 brings you and your family more good memories to be made.
Jacqueline, you are so brave, like Charlotte. It is no surprise where she got it from. I cried as I read your words. God will use your transparency to bless others. I pray for healing and freedom for you in 2019. side note: Proverbs 16:9 is my life verse. <3
Brenda Johnson says
Thank you for sharing your happy memories of Charlotte. I’ve continued to pray for you and Tyler for healing and peace and for God’s assurances that your sweet angel is safe and secure with Him and that you will ALL be reunited one day. May the Lord continue to encourage and bless you in the new year.
Sharon Catania says
Beautiful story, as well as beautiful photos. My heart hurts for your loss. Charlotte was born into a wonderful loving family. Keep your girls and husband close and appreciate every moment of every day. They, in turn, do that for you.
May God Bless you and your family throughout your lives.
Jean Whittaker says
Hi I pray every night for you still and to others who have lost loved one this year to help you make it through each day and esp. the holidays. My father-in-law
lost his wife after being married 71 years and is having a difficult time also. Even though we do not know you real well, the times we did meet were so nice. As much as charlotte is missed, I am happy she if free of pain and with God and I sure hope happy and still smiling.
Blanche Tadlock says
Thank you for this most recent post! I have been reminded by the Lord to continue to hold your family before Him! I also have longed for dreams of my beloved husband and occasionally have them….and awake with tears….but also thankfulness for those moments when he seemed “there with me!” I know the Lord continues to hold you all close to Him as you journey out of “the valley of the shadow of death!” much love
Debbie Agnew says
Sending love to your sweet family.
Lily Rico says
I admire you so much, I have learned so much from you. Your love, faith, strength, patience and gratitude are remarkable. Your loving angel is looking after you from Heaven. May God bless you and your beautiful family this New Year and always.
Linda Graham says
God brings you to mind often—and we pray! Little Charlotte will never be forgotten! ❤️
Michele Fountain says
My heart breaks for you. I have cried so many tears for your sweet baby girl. She is enjoying Heaven even more than she would have Disney World. Any where her family was, is where she would want to be. I understand your tears and all the crying you do by yourself. I lost my mom a year and a half ago and the first year was so difficult. Still, her birthday, Christmas, etc. are so difficult. We had our mastectomies for breast cancer 3 months apart but she never healed and went on to die from lung cancer. I cannot imagine life without my faith. There are many times your blogs lifted me up. I continue to pray for strength and comfort for your family. So happy you were able to enjoy your cruise with your darling little girls. Blessings, Michele