Since Charlotte passed, I have hoped and prayed for a dream with her in it. There was no smile, words, or laughter. I almost feel as if it is a reminder, from God, of how much better off she is in Heaven.
Charlotte loved to celebrate ALL holidays! Any reason to smile, party, and be happy. Many were spent in the hospital, but still with a smile. A reminder to myself, that no matter the situation, find the joy in it and smile.
Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Years were a few I have been dreading, because she loved them. I couldn’t fathom celebrating without her.
For Thanksgiving, we did something COMPLETELY different. Zero traditions for our family were involved. We had a wonderful time. Charlotte was thought of daily and missed dearly.
For Christmas my parents took us on a Christmas cruise. It was so much fun!! We were able to see multiple beaches and enjoy the views, and FOOD! Haha. Christmas morning was unlike any other. And although it was so different I couldn’t help but wish Charlotte was there.
Last year, for New Years, we celebrated at one of her favorite places, the beach! This year, we are at Disney World. Charlotte wanted so badly to go to Disney World. It was her Make a Wish trip that we never got to take. I promised her over and over that we would go but I always had an excuse to postpone it. Oh how I wish I hadn’t. I wanted start the New Year here, with her sisters, to see the the joy on their face as I knew Charlotte would have loved it here. Yesterday we watched a Frozen sing along and I couldn’t help but have flashbacks of my sweet girl at age 3 singing each song. So many things I see that make me think Of how much she would have enjoyed it.
I know it’s okay to cry and I do it often. I prefer to cry alone. The girls sometime see me cry and Eleanor knows why. She tells me, “I miss Charlotte too mommy” she recently told me “I wish Charlotte was here so she could see how good I’m doing in school.” Eleanor has started putting words together and reading beginner books.
Saturday night, my mom, sisters, and I looked at family pictures we took on the cruise. We had some beautiful pictures taken but they were not complete. Charlotte was missing and it was gut wrenching. I fought back the tears each time the photographer played the slideshow.
199 days had gone by.
Without many details of my dream, that night, I was able to hold Charlotte on my chest. It started as my 6 year old and before I woke she was a newborn. I woke out of breath, with a tight chest, and hated myself for waking. It felt so real. I balled, as my family slept I couldn’t stop the tears.
My sweet baby girl is so much better now, I know this. I know I will hold her again, one day.
We will make the most of 2019 and look forward to the adventure ahead but will ALWAYS miss that sweet smile.
Many prayers to each of you. For a new year full of Grace, gratitude, joy, and preserverance.
Smile and LOVE like Charlotte did. Make the best of each situation even when you don’t feel like it.
“A man’s heart plans his way, But the LORD directs his steps.”
Proverbs 16:9 NKJV