I have told myself over and over that I needed to update. I had big plans of shouting from the rooftops about childhood cancer awareness in September. Months later, Nothing…
It just so happens that as I am writing, I realize that today is 5 months! 5 WHOLE MONTHS! I’ve been told that time heals, that time will make things easier. It is harder today than it was yesterday, a month ago, 3 months ago. I look at my beautiful daughter’s picture as I write and it hurts. It hurts that I can not hug her, I can not hear her voice or kiss her cheeks, I can not hear her laugh. I can not understand why she had to leave us so soon.
Maybe it’s because the holidays are coming up. Knowing how much she loved EVERY single holiday, it didn’t matter what it was. Maybe it’s because we have friends, children, that are relapsing, struggling, and dying.
The days are hard to get going, but I push through. Many days I wish it were bed time at 6:00pm but once bed time is here, I can not sleep. I try to keep busy, try to distract myself and while it is a temporary fix, the night time comes, along with the quiet. And then the hurt rolls in and the tears fall uncontrollably. My sweet daughter is missed more than I could have imagined. But I KNOW she is so much better! I KNOW she is healthy, pain free, and happy. I find my peace and hope in knowing we will be together again. Some days are just hard to be strong.
Our family is getting by, day by day. Eleanor is thriving in school and beginning to read! (I don’t remember reading in PreK!) Eleanor asks a lot of questions. “When is Charlotte coming home?” “What does Charlotte do in Heaven?” “Does Charlotte still have cancer?” “Can we go visit Charlotte?” “Will we ever see Charlotte again?” She will random tell people about Charlotte, her great grandpa’s nurse, the checker at the grocery store, new friends.
Hadley fractured her wrist and had a full arm cast for 3 weeks. She recently had it taken off and couldn’t be happier. She is growing every day, not talking much but she is definitely trying to. She can not say Charlotte’s name but she points to her pictures often.
I have every intention to update more. To share stories, to ask for prayer.
Today’s verse was very fitting
And He said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness.” Most gladly, therefore, I will rather boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may dwell in me. 2 Corinthians 12:9
Thank you for all who still follow us and pray. You mean so much to us!
Linda Graham says
You will always be listed in my prayer journal, and I won’t forget…..always look forward to your updates. All of your family is deeply loved!
Tami Bernard says
Jacqueline, I am so sorry. You were created to love, and because of that love, you are now grieving. Give yourself permission to grieve. It is not a weakness or a lack of faith. Jesus is with you in your pain.
Rachel Mears says
My sweet friend, I pray for you guys daily. I know how hard it is its has been 8 years since my son left me. It is something you never heal from but you only learn to live with it. the holiday seasons is always tough, stay strong in your faith and take it one day at a time . Just know that your sweet daughter is walking the streets of gold with the loved ones that has gone before her she has no pain and is strong it is us here that have the pain. one day you will be there with your beautiful Charlotte. Love and prayers to you and your family.
Jean Whittaker says
No one can imagine what you are going through. I pray it will get easier for you
all but know it won’t ever be good but hopefully easier. I worked with a lady
in N. Dak. and her husband drowned all 3 of her kids and himself. I don’t know
how she lived through all of that, losing her whole family, esp at once. I pray for
you to find some peace.
Lena Norton says
Still pray for peace and comfort for y’all. Praying God can fill the void with His presence and you will hang on tight.
Shirley Kitchell says
Thanks for the update. You are forever in our thoughts and we are praying. She is so blessed to have a perfect mama as you are.
I have followed you through this whole devastating journey. My cousin is Caitlin and when you were in New York my husband sent you guys shoes 😊 a small gift through you journey but I wish we could do more, say more, pray more to help you and your family. I break down every time I hear your story but your story helps me to appreciate the things I have and to not take it for granted. Your faith is so strong and I hope God can give your heart peace some day. Not to forget but to be free of your pain. I can’t say I’m sorry enough because nothing changes the loss of Charlotte. She is beautiful, she is strong, she was a fighter but now she doesn’t have to fight for her life anymore, she is free! My heart breaks for you all and my prayers are with you guys!
Susie Dowding says
Thank you for the update. It reminds me to say a prayer. I can’t imagine how much you miss your sweet baby girl. It doesn’t seem far that she left earth so soon..love and prayers. 💖
Lydia DeRoss says
I think of you and your family often and pray. My heart still aches for you!
You and your family are in my prayer and on my mind a lot. God bless you!
Veronica Russell says
Oh sweet momma, my heart aches for you and your family. I love 💖 seeing your sweet Charlotte’s face in pictures. What a glorious day it will be when you see her in heaven. Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers 🙏🏼😘
Kimberly Ullmann says
I can only imagine!! My heart, hugs, and love continue to be with you and your family❤️❤️❤️
I think of you and your family often. Each time Charlotte slips into my mind I say another prayer for you all! Grief is different for everyone. I just ask my gracious God to give you peace. To show you love.
Thank you for update!
Oh how my heart breaks for you dear friend!! I think of you and your sweet family often! And I will continue to pray for you guys fervently 🙏🏼🙏🏼 I pray that God will comfort you in the midst of your pain, and that he will give you the grace you need each day to live and love! I pray he fills your hearts with a miraculous sense of peace and joy this holiday season!! ❤️❤️
Thank you for sharing. My heart hurts for yours and I wish we could take your pain away. I am sure the holidays will be so hard. Praying for you and your family and I hope that you will find rest and peace and comfort.
Rick Hale says
The holidays are the most difficult. May God fill your heart with His unending love, amazing grace and glorious compassion in the day ahead. You and your family are in my prayers.
God bless you.
Blanche Tadlock says
What a day that will be—when Charlotte you will see!
When you take her by her hand and walk through the Promised Land;
What a glorious day that will be!
It took 3 yrs of “worse” until it got better for me! I know God is very close to you and sees those tears for an unfathomable loss of your precious Charlotte. Remembering you in loss!
Lily Rico says
Much love and peace to you and your family. Beautiful Charlotte is looking after you from heaven!
Ron Wieglenda USMC says
When we cleaned out my Grandmothers closet, she was 97, Their was my uncles Vest, to the Suit they buried him in at 16. Maybe time does heal, but never takes away the missing or hurt, of this it must be true.
I am sure as Long as We Remember Those, we lose, they are never Gone from are Hearts
I Have lost To Many over the Years, the pain still brings Thoughts & Tears, I guess this is what they call Healing
Prayers for your Family
Such a real post that I know will touch others. God has her and loves her so very much. He looks forward to the day when he can reunite you two 🙂
Brenda Johnson says
Jacqueline, please allow yourself all the time you need to grieve. You have experienced the deepest of pain. Your grief is great because your love is great.
You and your family are still in my daily prayer journal and also in my heart. So yes, my prayers do continue for you. Peace be with you.
Shelley Knutz says
Thank you for the update and for sharing your heart with us. It helps to know how to pray for you although God already knows. As the holidays arrive give yourselves grace to grieve. Know that you are all being lifted up in a multitude of prayers. God bless you all♥️
Tamera Peter says
Still praying for your sweet family, that the broken hearts can be filled with her precious memories. Hugs and love to your family.
Cheryll Bennett says
Hugs. Tears. Prayers. That if they don’t heal, they at least comfort.
Lynne Gonsoulin says
I think of all of you so very often. I pray that our heavenly father gives you & Tyler daily strength & love in knowing that Charlotte is doing well.
Joyce C Marsh says
May God lift you up Jacqueline and give you peace. 🙏😘
Ramona Newman says
Jacqueline, As I sit here trying to write to you what is in my heart, the tears flow knowing your pain and how much your heart hurts, its such a physical pain. You and Tyler are often in my heart and prayers. Like Randy said in his final letter, ONLY TIME SETS US APART! We can have faith knowing we will see our children again in Heaven, Love you guys!