I can’t believe two months has passed us since you have been gone. It doesn’t get easier and I will walk around with a hole in my heart until we are together again.
Our family has managed to get by day to day, some harder than others. We recently spent 3 weeks in Oregon visiting friends and family while Tyler worked. What a feat that trip was for me.
When we took off from Tulsa, I cried. It was the first time (other than another child’s funeral) that I had flown without Charlotte. I cried when we landed in Redmond. I cried as we drove into Bend. I broke down in the Target parking lot. It was my first time to be in Oregon, without my sweet girl. So many memories came flooding in. And even though there were a lot of good ones, my heart hurt, my breath gasped as I tried to deal without her. Charlotte lived 5 years of her life there. Before she turned 3, we were constantly on the go and many places remind me of her. I avoided them, not because I don’t love the times we had, but because of the heartache and breakdown I would feel without her.
Our family made new memories. There were so many new places to visit and sights to see! We tried different restaurants, went to the lake, the river, swimming, walking, listened to live music, saw dear friends and so much more.
Right after that trip, we were able to go on a cruise with my mom. The girls LOVE the ocean. It was a much needed trip. But, again, the ache of missing my oldest remained. Charlotte loved the beach. She had a video of the beach that she would watch to calm her nerves. She was watching this video when she took her last breaths. I found myself multiple times wishing we could have taken her to the beach, thinking how much she would have loved the cruise and the experiences we had. Then I remembered, the beaches Charlotte sees now, are ones we could only dream of, they are perfect! I have no doubt that she is playing in them daily.
Eleanor just had her 4th birthday in July. She has been asking about Charlotte. Lately she has asked if we can go to heaven to pick her up. I am still trying to explain exactly where heaven is. That we can not “pick Charlotte up” but one day, when we die and go to heaven we will see her again. We have a large picture in our kitchen. The other morning I walked in on Eleanor sitting in a chair across from it, talking to the picture. It was the sweetest, most heartbreaking thing. Hadley, only being one, points to her pictures. I try to say Charlottes name often, around her.
Most recently, in the news, there is an Orca whale who lost her calf. She carried her dead child for 17 days! Her family and pod, fished for her and tried to help her. It reminds me of what many did for me. The food that was a constant in our home to remind me to eat, the words, hugs, prayers, tears, it was all so relatable to this mourning mama. Oh how it hurts.
I miss Charlottes smile, her laugh, her jokes, her texts, her snaps, her singing, her dancing, her kind heart, her thoughtfulness, her art, her letters, her hugs, her kisses, her I Love You. I miss her.
I can not wait to be with her again.
“I waited patiently for the LORD; And He inclined to me, And heard my cry. He also brought me up out of a horrible pit, Out of the miry clay, And set my feet upon a rock, And established my steps.”
Psalms 40:1-2 NKJV
“The LORD is near to those who have a broken heart, And saves such as have a contrite spirit.”
Psalms 34:18 NKJV
I love you girl. I miss sweet Charlotte so much and Lilly misses her and talks about her often. I love your posts. They are beautiful!
Whitney
Sweetest post! You are so strong.
i am thinking about 2 months ago today and of you all today.
☀️ Every day!
Thank you for sharing and bringing us into your remembering the gift of Charlotte’s life, the hope of seeing her again and the process of waiting well until we see her again.
Loving well and living well are very good ways to honor the one life we’re given. 🎁
There are no words, actions or things that will make it better. Reading your heart brings me to tears every time. There was a little girl on the cruise with curly black hair in our hall… made my heart leap the first time. The couple times after that it just hurt. These two days of rain make me feel like God is letting us know He feels our pain and is crying with us. You, sweet Mama, are an inspiration. The way you are raising your sweet girls, Charlotte will always be a loved part of your family. Precious Eleanor. Thank you for sharing your thoughts and heart. We love you all so much!
My heart aches with you. I also have a terminally ill daughter. Her diagnosis has made her lose her cognitive abilities and physical will then follow. I miss so much of who she was before this disease started to take her personality from us. I wish I could hug you and cry with you. Praying for you mama warrior as you get through each day.
There is no greater pain. Your Charlottes home going brought back the pain in a way I hadn’t expected from my Katharine’s home going almost 19 years ago. The one thing I know for sure her love for you remains with each of you that love her. Loves ray lingers forever.💛🎗💛
I can’t even imagine the pain of losing a precious child. Your strength and grace impacts us and Charlotte was a lucky to have you as her mom.
Jacqueline,
I can’t even imagine your grief. I never met Charlotte in person, but only through the internet and I can’t tell you how much I have grieved for Charlotte and all of you. You are in my prayers daily. May God put His loving arms around you and comfort you all. In Christ’s love, Kela
I know Charlotte was the luckiest to have you as a Mother, your grace and perseverance insipires us all. You guys are in our prays
You, your family and surely Charlotte have not been forgotten. You are ALL still in my heart and no doubt, in the hearts and prayers of so many others. Your love for your sweet, kind, joyful and thoughtful angel child was deep, and so, deep is your grief. Praying the peace of God and His steadfast love and His new mercies each morning will heal your broken heart and keep you strong and secure in Him with a hopeful heart.
I am constantly reminded to pray for you……understanding deep, deep unrelenting pain from missing one so precious. Walking through the “valley of the shadow of death” is dark and hard and as you already have experienced….He walks there with you! Much love
I am so heart broken for you all. I will pray that your days keep getting better and that you will be able to think of Charlette without all the pain and with sweet memories soon. May God comfort you until then.
Much Love and Prays
Aunt Joyce
Much love to you sweet momma. You’ll never know how much you have taught me about love, strength, faith, dignity, life and loss through your posts. Your precious daughters are so blessed to have you as a mommy. May God bless your family and keep all of you safe.
I think of her and you all often and wear my shirt proudly.
Sending you love, prayers and infinite hugs. May God wrap you tight during your journey of mourning and healing. Love you Jacqueline.
Again lifting your sweet family in prayer, my heart can’t stop praying for all of you…
My heart breaks for you.
I heard a song the other day-one of the lines:
When I die I want to live in Heaven.
Grateful you will see your sweet baby girl again.
I went to see Lilly wearing my black “wear gold for Charlotte” t-shirt. Lilly saw it and said “aawwh” and gave me a hug. I said “I often think of your sweet friend, Charlotte!” Lilly replied, “I have been, too!” Tender memories! We are praying for you all! Papa Joe (Simmons), Lilly Reid’s grandpa
No words…….😢❤️🙏
Love you big time cousin! Thank you for sharing your daughter, your heart, yours and Tyler’s constant unwaveringly faith in the Lord. John James has asked me why we can’t make her come back to life, and I certainly do not know how you handle Eleanor asking if you could go pick her up from heaven. Sweet sisters forever. She will be marked in my Heart forever, her warrior strength in her six short years taught me more than I’ve learned possible in 38. Wish I could hug you and tell you how BLESSED we all are that you shared Charlotte Grace with the world. Love you all so much! 💕💕💕🙏🏼🙏🏼🙏🏼
Jacq, I cannot fathom the depth of your pain. Thank you for continuing to write, so we may remember to pray. Because that’s all I have to offer you. Words are not coming to me, but tears are streaming down my face as I hurt with you. May peace that passes understanding be your constant companion as you navigate this new season with Charlotte in heaven. I pray the Holy Spirit saturates you, by God’s divine power, with everything you need for life and godliness. I am still standing and praying with you!
My heart aches for you, your girls and Tyler. I will continue to pray for you all. I pray for abundant blessings for you all.
Our love and Prayers, Denise and Dirk Graves